You Can't Choose Love Read online

  “Mmm,” she heard Ethan from below. “You’re amazing.”

  When Ethan was done, he brought his face level with hers again.

  “You okay?” he smiled casually, as if he had not just made her come on her doorstep. Janet was still breathless as she gripped his arm to remain standing.

  “I need to sit,” she whispered.

  “In a minute,” he winked. He started to lift her up but Janet stopped him.

  “Other side of the door, please,” she said.

  Ethan complied, opening the door and shifting their positions so they were now inside. He pushed down his trousers and Janet saw his erection momentarily before he lifted her up and brought her down to meet him. She could scream freely now, without fear of neighbors hearing and she did, loud and desperate. Ethan’s thrusts were gentle enough to not hurt her and rough enough to pleasure her.

  When he set her down, minutes later, Janet was breathless. He led her to the couch where she lay down trying to recover from the pleasure this boy had just given her. A part of her knew this was unacceptable. Every time it seemed like it was the perfect time to talk about their impending issues, Ethan distracted her with his kisses and one thing always led to another.

  This had to stop. But for now, Janet was content. And happy.

  The next day, she made sure she met Ethan at a place where there were enough people around that it was unacceptable to end up having sex, though she would not put it past Ethan. The library was their chosen place of meeting.

  “We need to talk,” Janet said as soon as Ethan sat down.

  “Okay.”

  “And we’re in the library so you can’t kiss me to avoid any talking.”

  “Guilty as charged.”

  “And even if you do kiss me, we can’t end up having sex here so after we’re done kissing, we can talk.”

  “Are you asking me to kiss you?”

  “I’m sure you wouldn’t, surrounded by all these people.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You only kiss me in secret.”

  “Janet, the whole university knows we’re- we’re-” he trailed off unsure of what to say.

  “We’re what, Ethan? What are we?”

  Ethan was silence.

  “Am I just some girl you sleep with?”

  “No!” Ethan was genuinely shocked at the suggestion.

  “What am I then, Ethan?”

  “You’re… a very special friend,” Ethan said carefully.

  “A very special friend,” Janet repeated. “Right.”

  “Janet, I like you. Really, I do. But this past month has been crazy and I just- I just need time to figure out what you mean to me.”

  “You know Ethan, it’s alright if you don’t want me to be your girlfriend till you can figure out what you want. I don’t care about that. I’m not a clingy girl. What bothers me is that the reason you don’t want to ask me out is because I’m not from the same rich, elite and political class as you are. If that doesn’t make you a complete asshole, I don’t know what does.”

  “That’s not true,” Ethan said unconvincingly.

  “Then what is it?”

  “Okay that’s partly true but you have no idea of the consequences if we make if official! For you and for me!”

  “Please explain.”

  Ethan ran a hand through his hair. “The fact that- that you’re not from my class,” Ethan winced as he said that. “Means absolutely nothing to me. But my parents- they- they can end whatever we have in seconds. They’ve been trying to set me up with daughters of rich politicians for ages. They won’t be able to accept this. And in order to stop us, they can do anything to you. And I won’t be able to stand that.”

  “So this is for my sake?”

  Ethan was silent. He was staring at the table between them.

  “If all this is true, why are we even together? Oh wait, we’re not together. Why are we whatever it is that we are?”

  Silence.

  “I’m just some way to pass time for you?”

  Ethan glanced up at her but still remained silent.

  “Then it’s over,” Janet concluded. “It’s funny because ‘it’s over’ means I’ll no longer sleep with you. What was I even thinking when I agreed to do so in the first place?”

  Janet shook her head and stood up, collecting her books.

  “Janet,” Ethan spoke. His voice was pleading. “You’re not just some way to pass time.”

  “Is that all you have to say for yourself?”

  “I have no choice. I want you around and I don’t know how else to keep you.”

  “Then make up your mind Ethan. Figure out if you want me around enough to be able to stand up for me when your parents find out.”

  “Janet,” Ethan began again.

  “Until then, it’s over.”

  Janet gave him one last look and noticed how torn he looked before she exited the library. Ethan felt emptiness as he watched her leave. When he tried to imagine a life without fierce and bold Janet in it to lighten it up, it seemed dull and ordinary, but practical.

  Where did this girl come into my life from? It was so perfect before she did.

  How wrong can a person be?

  Chapter 13 – Of Regrets and Realities

  “A glass of wine,” the male voice broke through her reverie. Janet nodded as she poured a glass behind the bar and handed it to the man standing in front of her. She smiled as he thanked her and noticed for the first time that he was quite good looking. She thought back to the conversation she had had with George and Kan the night before.

  “Try to forget about him,” George had advised her. “Loosen up, date other people, have fun. Maybe it will make him realize what he had.”

  “Yeah and we can set you up with anyone you want,” Kan had winked as he said that.

  Janet looked at the man in front of her. He couldn’t be older than 25. He had curly black hair and dimples. His smile was warm.

  “Wine at 9 am?” Janet asked. “Everything alright?” She was taken aback by her own intentions of asking the question. Maybe being with a guy like Ethan had made her bolder.

  The man shrugged. “Life sometimes compels you to have wine at 9 am.”

  Janet nodded.

  “Care to join me?” he asked. Janet looked around. The Four Stars was empty like it usually was on Sunday mornings.

  She took a seat with him at the corner of the table as their conversation began with the normal things two strangers would talk about. She learnt that he was called Sam and he was 24 years old, recently graduated and working for a law firm in Georgia. It seemed to be going well before he popped the question.

  “You’re dating Ethan Reed, aren’t you?”

  Janet stared at him. “How do you know about Ethan?”

  “Um we’re family friends. Well, all the rich families of Georgia sort of know each other. I don’t know him per se. But the whole town had been talking about you when you first got together.”

  “I’m not dating Ethan,” Janet said firmly. “And I never was.”

  Sam sensed that this was a sensitive issue but he didn’t let the topic go.

  “It’s a pity he let you go,” he continued. “A beautiful girl like you.”

  Janet blushed but didn’t reply. They were sitting on the same bench and she suddenly noticed that he was very close to her. Had he leaned forward? Or was he like this all along? Janet could smell mint on his breath now and she couldn’t help noticing that he had very nice lips. Unconsciously (or was it?) she leaned forward to close the distance between them, pressing her lips to him. He responded by tilting her face up and wounding an arm around her waist, pulling her closer. Janet clutched the front of his shirt pulling him even closer as their tongues continues to fight for dominance. As she pushed her tongue into his mouth, she let soft moan escape and realized that she was enjoying this. He was a good kisser. Perhaps a little different from Ethan but good. Ethan’s kisses were softer and slower. Sam’s were faster pa
ced. Ethan’s were bolder. Sam’s were hesitant. Or maybe that was because this was their first kiss. When the pulled apart, breathless, Janet knew this was her attempt to distract herself from Ethan but she didn’t care. She wanted to be touched again.

  They exchanged numbers and promised to meet later. Janet tried to feel happy about that but failed.

  Ethan Reed was extremely unhappy, on the other hand. He snapped at his friends when they tried to talk to him and seemed to be in a better mood when they left him alone. But today, Jih was exceptionally annoyed as they sat at Café Rooftop.

  “Ethan, if you’re so hung up on Janet, maybe you should go make up with her instead of snapping at us and taking your anger out at us all the time.”

  “I’m not hung up on anyone,” Ethan replied dully.

  “Then what is this mood you’ve been in since you ended it with her?”

  “Jih, shut up please,” Ethan sighed. “Leave me alone.”

  “If you want to be left alone, leave. But if you show up in public, then don’t expect people to stay away.”

  Jih wasn’t normally outspoken, preferring to keep quiet and so his friends were surprised at his outburst.

  “Go make up with Janet.”

  “Shut up, Jih.”

  “If something makes you so unhappy, you should try to fix it.”

  “Jih, enough.”

  George caught Jih’s eyes and shook his head, compelling his friend to stop talking. Jih opened his mouth to reply but fell silence at George’s silent plea. He exited the café a few moments later and did not return.

  Later in the day, Ethan wandered to The Four Stars. Maybe he wanted to talk to Janet and maybe he simply wanted to see her. Whatever it was, he found himself entering The Four Stars. What he found there, however, made him wish he had never stepped inside. Janet was standing at the bar, her arms wound around a man’s neck as he kissed her. He saw her hands grab his hair, like she used to grab his. He whispered something in her ear which made her giggle. Suddenly, the man noticed Ethan and Ethan noticed who he was. Sam Black. Son of Paula and Samuel Black. Heir to the National Bank of Georgia. Lawyer. Ethan remembered all details about him as anger ran through his body. Then he reminded himself he had no right to be angry. Janet was never his girlfriend.

  “Ethan!” Sam called.

  Janet turned around slowly to face him. Her heart broke as she saw him standing there and she hoped her brokenness won’t show in her expression.

  Sam was now striding towards him, pulling Janet along who was holding his hand.

  “How nice to see you!” Sam enthusiastically shook his hand.

  “Nice to see you too,” Ethan said stiffly.

  He nodded at Janet who mumbled a greeting.

  “Were you coming into the café? You probably want to order something. I shouldn’t keep your waitress busy. I just get so caught up sometimes.” Sam looked at Janet adoringly and pecked her on the cheek. Janet seemed to recoil a little but smiled nonetheless. A forced smile but no one noticed that.

  “No, I was just passing,” Ethan said, digging his hands into his pockets. “Don’t let me disturb you guys.” He nodded and exited the café.

  Janet forced a smile as Sam shrugged at her. When he bent down to kiss her again, Janet quickly ended it and told him she had to work. Seeing Ethan had thrown her off guard and she felt shaky and sad. She needed time alone. Sam complied and left her alone. When his car pulled away, Janet sat down behind the bar and willed herself not to cry. Ethan had seen her kissing Sam. This should be victorious for her, shouldn’t it? Girls were supposed to be happy when their ex saw them with another man. But Janet only felt empty and sad. She couldn’t understand why. Her relation with Sam didn’t have to be a secret. He could kiss her in public without fear of his parents finding out. He could introduce her as his girlfriend. But Janet hadn’t let them label their relationship. This time she was the one who didn’t want to be called Sam’s girlfriend. She was the Ethan in their “relationship”, she realized. Disgusted she picked up her phone and told Sam she didn’t want to see him anymore and she was still in love with Ethan. And just like that, over a text message, she ended whatever she had started with Sam.

  Chapter 14 – Forced Interactions

  No matter how much either of them tried not to come face to face with one another, Ethan and Janet somehow kept ending up in each other’s presence. Perhaps it was because of their mutual friends or because of fate; whatever it was, they seemed to attract one another like magnets.

  Janet came face to face with Ethan three times in the course of the next week. Once when she was forced to tutor him on Professor Papkin’s insistence. Once when she was invited to George’s brothers’ engagement. And once when she was met with an unfortunate incident.

  “Janet, Ethan!” Professor Papkin called after class. “I want Ethan’s progress report, Janet.”

  Janet and Ethan approached him warily.

  “I presume tutoring has been going well.”

  Ethan glanced at Janet. “Fantastic,” he replied.

  “Well done, Janet. And well done, Ethan. How about you have your last tutoring session today before the semester’s exam?”

  “Um-” Janet began but Professor Papkin was adamant.

  “Come now,” he said. “I was heading to the library myself to fetch a book. You two come along and start your studying.”

  Janet and Ethan accompanied him reluctantly. Janet wanted to find a spot surrounded by people so she and Ethan would not be able to talk. Ethan wanted a secluded spot because he didn’t want to be around people. In the end, they settled for somewhere in the middle. It was a secluded corner but there were a few people around.

  They had never actually had a real tutoring session. The first time they had tried, Ethan had kissed her and they had ended up in his room. They had made love for the first time that day. Janet tried not to think about it.

  “So what do you want to study?” Janet asked awkwardly.

  “Nothing.”

  “But we have to…”

  “We don’t, really.”

  “Okay…”

  Pause.

  “So how have you been?” Ethan spoke up.

  Janet looked at him long and hard before answering. She wanted to tell him the truth. Of how broken she felt without him. Of how much she missed him. Of how badly she wanted to kiss him again. Of how much she longed for the pleasure only he could give her.

  “Good,” she replied simply. “How have you been?”

  Janet did not know this but if one could multiply what Janet felt by ten fold, it would not come close to what Ethan felt. You see, while Janet could somehow survive on her own, Ethan needed her in his life.

  “Good,” Ethan said.

  Janet nodded slowly. “I saw your father’s campaign on TV. He seems to be doing really well.”

  “Yeah, he is.”

  Silence.

  “How’s Sam?” Ethan said.

  “Good, I suppose.”

  “When did you start seeing him?”

  “I’m not seeing him.” Janet said wearily.

  “You’re not?”

  “Nah.”

  “He’s not your boyfriend?”

  “Nah. I don’t label my relationships. It’s the Ethan affect. I’m the Ethan in the relationship.”

  Ethan rolled his eyes.

  “Except,” Janet continued. “My reason for not labeling my relationship isn’t some class or money difference.”

  “Janet-” Ethan said. His voice was strained and he felt a pang of guilt. He wanted to reach out to her, to tell her that he didn’t care about her money or status and he didn’t have a choice.

  “We’re supposed to be studying Ethan. I don’t want to talk to you.”

  Ethan’s jaw tightened but he didn’t respond as Janet pulled out her books. She flipped through pages idly. Professor Papkin was chatting with the librarian. Once he had procured his book, he waved them goodbye and exited the library.

  �
��And that’s my cue,” Janet said. She shut her book, grabbed her bag and exited the library too.

  Ethan sighed.

  That night, Janet had a surprise visitor. George came into her apartment to invite her to his brothers’ engagement which was to take place the next morning. Janet accepted the invitation with no intentions of going. She had nothing to wear and there was no time to buy anything. She could have gone to buy a dress but anything up to the level of the other attendees would cost her a fortune and she wasn’t willing to spend that much on a stupid dress.

  As if reading her thoughts, George asked her if she had anything to wear. When she responded in the negative, he dragged her to the mall.

  “You don’t have to worry about the cost,” he told her.

  “I’m not letting you pay for me, George.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Well, I can’t afford these dresses.”

  “Relax, babe,” George rolled his eyes. “This mall is owned by my sister. So it’s free for you.”

  “Your sister owns The Dolphin Mall?”

  “Yes.”

  Janet wasn’t even surprised. These rich kids owned everything in this town.

  When they had picked the perfect dress for her (a maroon poof dress), the sales woman paired it with a beautiful pair of heels. All the workers at the mall seemed to know George, Janet noted.

  And so, the next day, she donned the dress reluctantly. Kan had taken her to his house so the Kale’s personal stylist could help her get dressed. She arrived at the engagement with Kan in some big car whose name she didn’t know; Janet was never much into cars. She was forced to meet Ethan since he was standing at the doorstep. Ethan didn’t fail to notice that she was arm in arm with Kan. He knew it didn’t mean anything. They were just very good friends. But it reminded him of all the time she had held him like that. He tried not to watch as she danced and laughed with Kan and George. They didn’t have to hide their friendship with her because they weren’t in love with her.